BIcarA haTI binTANgKU..

assalamualaikum..

dah lama aku tak menulis..
a lot of things happened..
dont know where to start, dont know what to think..mm..

when i look back then.. make me wondering.. make me fall into deep thoughts..
what had happened to me? whats going on exactly?..
thoughts like am i wrong?.. what i supposed to do?='(

at first, i thought, i could accept it, i thought it gonna be easy..
i thought i can just let it go immediately..
erased everything like it never existed..
im wrong! its even harder than i think...
without im realized, i become a rebel person..
i feel angry.. but i dont know to whom..huhu.. i just lost..
there is someone who is screaming inside..pretend like i dont care.. ='(
astaghfirullah.. may Allah forgive me..

yeah, i did wrong!
benarlah kata orang hati tu raja dalam diri manusia..
bile kesedihan teramat menguasai diri..
hilang lah ketenangan hati.. =(
it hurts me when i dont get what i keep on praying.. cause i really want it.. huhu.. astaghfirullah..
astaghfirullah..shame of me..

now i realized.. ikhlas itu payah..
but..
i keep on praying that..
ya Allah, Kau permudahkan lah untuk aku, ikhlaskanlah hati aku tuk menerima ketentuanMu,
Kau yang hadirkan perasaan ini, Kau juga yang menghapuskan perasaan ini..
Cinta dan rindu.. perasaan yang tak pernah aku terfikir that i gonna deadly attached..
ia juga tanggungjawab.. i should keep it nicely and appreciate it..

i cant pretend like i dont care when my heart really cares..
but i have to accept it,  learn to let go.. lets time fly.. akan tiba masanya nanti..
just bear in mind..
Maybe Allah didnt give you everything you want..
but He certainly gave you everything you need.. =)

*ya Tuhan, ketenangan hati yang ku cari, tenangkanlah hati aku, Kau berikanlah kebahagiaan kepadanya kerana aku jua akan merasainya..lindungilah dirinya sepertimana Kau melindungi aku..ampunkanlah segala dosa kami, bimbinglah kami..='(

azaleas poem by Kim Sowol

Azaleas..

When you turn away from seeing me and go,

Gently without a word,

I shall sent you away,

From mount Yak in Yongbyon,

Azaleas,

I shall gather an armful and scatter them on your way,

Step after step away,

On those flowers placed,

Before you, press deep, step lightly and go,

When you turn away from seeing me and go,

Thought I die, no , not a single tear shall fall.....

*untuk bintang, 'my star' dan mungkin juga belongs to somebody else.. ='(..

*alangkah indah jika segalanya terungkap, no hidden, no secret

*alangkah indah jika 'my star' feel the same way like i feel..

*benar la kata orang, cinta tak harus memiliki..cinta bukan paksaan, cinta bukan pemikiran, cinta soalnya hati.

*hati yang luka.. sabar dan redha jadi nadi untuk terus bahagia.. kerana aku juga ingin bahagia.. bismillah.. permudahkanlah untukku ya Allah.. =)

aNAk..

assalamualaikum..

anAK?
impian semua wanita..
impian semua perempuan..
untuk mengandung, melahirkan dan membesarkan seseorang yang bernama anak..
siapa yang dapat menolak kecomelan seorang bayi?..
siapa yang dapat menahan ketawa melihat celoteh si anak kecil?..
sepanjang aku posting di placement paeds (kanak-kanak)..
banyak yang aku observe, aku menilai, aku belajar..
ada yang mengundang kemarahanku..
ada juga simpati dan sedih terasa di hati..
there is a baby, we called as baby A..
last 2 days, his birthday, he turns one year old right now..
jak dia lahir, si ibu meninggalkan dia..
atas alasan tidak mampu menjaganya..
that baby has a lot of problems even though he looks like a normal baby..
like others babies, active like he has such a good health..
sebetulnya, dia ad problem with his both eyes, hearing problems, and heart problem
..at aged 5 months.. he is already wearing his glasses.. thick one..
hehe.. so cute when he wears it.. he is not totally deaf, but impaired in hearing, maybe not so peka dengan bunyi..
all staffs here love him, they buy him the clothes, the toys, all of his needs,..
he is such a good boy, so easy to take care of him..
usually after i give the treatment ( refer to physio as developmental delay) , i will make him to sleep..
when he sleeps, i look to his face..handsome boy! hehe..
hidung mancung, bulu mata panjang, kulit putih, tinggi pulak tu....
then i wonder..
macam mana dia besar nt?
if his friends ask him about his mother, what he's going to tell them..
poor him!..huhu
but when i think again..
luckily his mother left him in the hospital..
kalau la dia tinggal tepi jalan ke, dalam longkang ke.. huhu..lagi xde pedoman..
moge Allah melindungi kamu baby.. u're special baby!
ad terdetik kat hati aku, kalu la aku daa keje sekarang, mmg aku amek daa..huhu
this is another baby's story..
his mom is so young, almost my age, but already have a child before..
so this is her second child...
unluckily, he was born premature and has problem with his brain..
he must uses suction machine throughout his life..
secretion banyak sangat, memang kena at least 2x sedut secretion dia..
as he is in hospital, like everyday physio will come to do suctioning..
yang sadisnya.. sepanjang dia duk hospital, xde sapa pon datang melawat dia..
sahkan orang jauh, parents dia pon tak de..huhu
hari2 aku jumpe this baby.. always called his name, where is your mom?..
after a month, i am here.. finally i get to see his mom..
itupon doctor called suh datang.. cause baby needs her and doctor planned to discharge this baby..
so we need to teach her mom on how to do suction at home.. teach her some exercises for the baby..
but aku pulak yang ase sakit hati n gerammm..
his mother amek sikap acuh tak acuh..
aku wisau betul..
macam mana la baby ni kat rumah dia nt..
xde usaha langsung dari si ibu..
i dont know why she react like that..
maybe it is hard for her to accept the baby..
but it is already more than months passed by..huhu..
kesian baby tu..
maybe im not in her shoes..
but u mengandung kn dia  almost 9 months..
at least, simpati la untuknya..huhu

*ya Allah, janganlah Kau biarkan aku hanyut dan lalai dari tanggungjawabku.. Kau kurniakan lah aku jodoh yang baik, zuriat yang baik, ikhlaskanlah hati dalam apa jua aku lakukan, hanyalah keranaMu..

HiLAnG~~

assalamualaikum..

it hurts me.. when i found out i was blocked by someone that i cared..
like what??????.. hahaaha.. tarik nafas dalam2.. inside of me.. ='(..
banyak persoalan yang bermain dalam otak ni..
as usual, girls are always over thinking compare to boys...
why???.. im craving for the answers..but im afraid to ask..
when i decided to ask, i just got the lame answers..
i know you're lying.. it hurts me more..
i dont wanna ask anymore, its better that way..
even i know its killing me now..
i just dont know what to say.. how to describe it..
but im afraid of losing..
again..
someday u'll realize how much i cared..
i hope so..
time passed by..
im still waiting..
nope!..its just like our old days..  u're too high..
that i never can reach out..
im still standing here, u cant see me..
but i still care of u..
it hurts me again.. i never show up.. cause inside me its already bleed... ='(
i realize u dont need me..
just i need u.. =)
u dont owe me anything..
please dont pity me.. i'm okay =)
before this i asked u do not disappear again..
but now i feel like i want to disappear..
let me be..
hope one day..
u'll understand why...
u'll realize..and u're not too late..
always pray for u..
may Allah protect u.. =)

QAsiDAh..

assalamualaikum..
daa 6hb januari daa..
rasa macam semalam baru kite sambut kedatangan new year..
tapi daa 6 hari berlalu..
cepat kn??..mmm.
sekarang daa masuk bulan rabiulawwal.. ikut kelendar islam..
bulan kelahiran nabi kite..=)
entah nape lately ni mood qasidah makin naik lakkk..
banyak qasidah yang best2..
kadang2 ada yang tak pernah aku dgr.. ase mcm noob giler aku ni..
lagu omputih, kpop, hindustan boleh lak kita hafal, siap sing along..
huhu..
tapi alangkah ruginya aku ase..
kalu kita xtaw memdendangkan ayat alquran..
ruginya kita kalu tak pernah menyairkan sajak memuji Rasulullah SAW..
huhu..


qasidah ibarat irama syair ataw sajak yang memuji Baginda..
ada tu aku selalu amal setiap hari jumaat di asrama..
after solat zuhur memandangkan laki2 p solat jumaat..
nyanyian ataw dendangan yang ustazah ajar..
menjadi ikutan ataw budaya bersama after selesai tazkirah solat zuhur..
tapi aku main follow jew.. tanpa aku fahami.. =.='
betul la org kata, ilmu tu kena cari..
jangan takut dikatakan bodoh, asalkan tidak bodoh selamanya..

ilmu itu luas, makin bnyak kite belajar, makin terasa bodoh..
tapi hakikatnya itulah proses pembelajarannya..=)
sekarang aku daa tahu, nyanyian yang selama ini aku minati, hafal..
walaupun daa lama tinggal, kadang kala mulut aku nyanyi tanpa aku sedar..
itu adalah qasidah burdah.. astaghfirullah, baru aku tahu.. huhu...
dan sekarang aku memahami maksudnya..
memuji Rasulullah dan luahkan kerinduan akannya.. =)
aku pernah berkongsi qasidah burdah sebelum ni di blog ni.. =)
kali ni aku nak berkongsi qasidah tholama asyku ghoromi..
ini faveret aku gakk..
mashaAllah, penuh kata2 kerinduan kepada Rasulullah SAW =)..

*aku bukan seorang yang alim ataw arif dalam ilmu agama, tapi cukuplah dikenali hamba Allah yang ingin mengenali cinta Allah, memiliki cinta Allah, menggapai kerinduan akan Nabiku, ingin berubah menjadi baik mahupun lebih baik... moge Allah permudahkan urusanku dan memelihara aku...lapangkanlah dadaku, agar mudah aku menuntut ilmu agamaMu, sesibuk mana pon aku dengan urusan dunia, janganlah Kau biarkan aku leka ya Allah..

qasidah THOLAMA ASYKU GHOROMI

Lama sudah aku menanggung rindu;
Wahai cahaya alam yang indah !
Serta aku menyeru, Wahai Nabi !
Wahai punca ilmu yang pemurah !
Impianku setinggi-tinggi cita-cita;
Moga diberikan tuah dapat melihatmu;
Juga melihat Bab al Salam (di Masjid Nabawi);
Wahai sesuci-suci insan!
Wahai hiasan dunia ini!
Aku amat cinta dan rindu padamu;
Hanya pujian menjadi persembahanku;
Wahai bulan mengambang penuh!
Jauhkanlah segala penghalangku daripadamu;
Yang kupendam hanya kerinduan terhadapmu;
Padamu aku bersangka baik;
Wahai yang benar pada janjinya!
Wahai pelita sekalian Rasul!
Wahai insan yang mempunyai setinggi-tinggi kedudukan!
Wahai Imam orang-orang yang bertaqwa!
Sesungguhnya hatiku terpaut padamu.
Ke atasmu, moga Allah mencurahkan rahmat;
Tuhanku Yang Mempunyai Keagungan;
Cukuplah, wahai Cahaya Bulan!;
Sesungguhnya perpisahanku denganmu telah terlalu lama.